Vinay Kumar
This comes from one of the vivid memories from my earlier workplace. On what seemed like a normal office day, news broke that several schools across Delhi had received bomb blast threats. As a precautionary measure, classes were cancelled for the rest of the day, and parents were asked to pick up their children from school. Certainly, the disturbing news concerned me. But for parents, the fear was more personal. Amidst the chaos, my attention shifted towards one of my older female colleagues. I had a good relationship with her. She, a mother of two, seemed quite distressed.I approached her to ask if her kids had reached home safely and to reassure her. She gently replied that both her children, aged 15 and 10, were safe and had been picked up from school by the mother of one of their friends. I was happy to hear that, but I saw freshly wiped tears on her face. I told her again, “You don’t need to worry now,” but her concern was something I wouldn’t have understood if she hadn’t told me. Certainly, she was assured that her kids were picked up from school, but the guilt of not being there was eating away at her. She told me, “I couldn’t be there for my kids.”
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The feeling may often be triggered by different circumstances, but the emotional conflict is quite often the same.
I felt her pain that time. Now having spoken with many working mothers for this piece, this incident was the first thing that came to my mind. Although this situation from two years ago may be counted as an exception, many working mothers feel a similar emotion every day. And that is the guilt of not being present for their children. The feeling may often be triggered by different circumstances, but the emotional conflict is quite often the same. This reflection is followed by a conversation with another working mother. “The working mother guilt is real,” says Priya, a Delhi-based working mother. “I gave birth to a premature baby weighing barely 1.2 kg. He needed constant care, but my maternity leave ended after six months.” She describes returning to work and leaving her son with her parents as “heartbreaking.” She further recalled, “I used to pump and store milk all the time, yet the guilt followed me everywhere. At work, I was expected to perform but my mind constantly wondered what my little one was doing and what milestones I was missing.” She also mentioned how societal expectations would constantly add up to the guilt. “The judgment didn’t help either- society aunties would often question how I could leave such a tiny preemie baby and go to work.” Later when her son, Vyom, turned one, she had to enroll him in a daycare. She calls it “Another difficult decision.” Priya’s son is now 3 and even though she’s “grateful” she stayed in her career, the guilt hasn’t completely disappeared. However, she goes by a powerful message: “Guilt often accompanies working moms but it should never define them.”
many of them were guilty because of the presence they received, or did not receive, from their own mothers.
Another layer of this “guilt” appeared after a conversation with a mother who works from home. Naz, a working mother living in Pune, says that for her there’s no boundary between work and home. The mother of a 7-year-old little girl says, “By the end of the day, I feel so exhausted that there are days when I don’t have the strength to take my daughter to the playground.” She recalled one memory from a year ago that still haunts her. It was two years ago when she was so busy with meetings that she didn’t even notice her 4-year-old girl wet outside. When Naz realised her daughter was not at home, her heart skipped a beat. She rushed downstairs towards the society’s playground. Fortunately, she found her daughter on the swing, safe, but the moment left her shaken. This was Naz’s “working mother guilt.” What I noticed is that none of these mothers were talking about special moments, and many of them were guilty because of the presence they received, or did not receive, from their own mothers. Before anyone questions why this article doesn’t mention “Working father guilt,” the point here isn’t a gender debate. And even if it is viewed that way, it’s simply a reflection of our society where, in many families, women often carry the emotional and caregiving load.
None of the mothers sounded regretful. They were content with wherever they were in life.
The last mother whom I spoke with for this piece wasn’t a working one. Instead she was someone who left her professional dreams to raise her child. Himani Rawat, a mother from Dehradun, left her teaching job when her son, Arvind, was born. She says this decision was only made possible because her family is financially sound, and her husband has a stable job. For Himani, the initial days with her newborn were quite busy, so she hardly thought about work. She describes it as a “fulfilling time.” But as the days passed and her son grew up to school-going age, the routine started feeling empty. While she does not call the decision of leaving her job a regret, she says she often wonders how different life would have been if she continued her teaching career. By the end of having talked with several mothers- some working and some who left their job for motherhood- I was left with a strange feeling. None of the mothers sounded regretful. They were content with wherever they were in life. Is it out of the love they have for their children or is it because motherhood has to co-exist with sacrifices? Perhaps, there’s not a single or definite answer to this question.
No mother should feel guilty about the choices they made or are about to make
However, one thing is certain every mother- one who works and one who does not- don’t have to feel guilty about any of the choices they made or are about to make.
