Flashback-pre-2018

In trying to bring my best at my work and for my family, I began to see the worst of me. The greed and the unrelenting ambition. The quest to be good at everything I do, gave me pains both mentally and physically. With my ambition, I brought out bucket loads of jealousy, ego battles, gossip mongering in truck loads at my workplace. I felt I was working really hard and the world wasn’t recognizing it , the world was ruthless while I was the best. All these gifted me with diabetes, very high cholesterol and with it came anger, whimsical and knee jerk emotional reactions both at work and home. This did not happen overnight, but came over me over a period of time. Sometimes emulating people who were the “so-called” successful and their negative behaviours rubbed off on me and I role modelled these behaviours thinking to myself that they were the path to my success. In a nutshell, I felt that I was the world and everybody needed to revolve around me, which included my parents, my kids, my spouse, my colleagues and friends.

As a reflect upon these behaviours I acquired, I realize, that I wasn’t born like this, My student life was carefree and joyful. It is at work that I acquired these tendencies. I acquired them because of how workplaces are made competitive and to scale up the ladder you do things that are not your inherent qualities, but you imbibe them, role model them and then as you shift your personality, you get stressed and it begins to show up on both your body and your mind. But you refuse to acknowledge it and work on it and believe that is the right way forward, so you keep going at it.

Present…

Workplaces are structured and designed for profit making. There are very few organizations where the purpose is driven with clarity and driven across the organization that everyone identifies with it and lives it. I have being part of one of those as well and I realized during that stint of 16 years while I was that kind of an organization, every day felt like a swansong. Even though you put in late hours of work, it still felt like an accomplishment. There was laughter around the corridors of stacks and stacks of workdesks. People smiled and shared warm stories of families, friends and community around lunch boxes. People walked in with confidence and left the day feeling the need to come back the next day. The disturbing part is there are very few of such organizations around us, and many of us need those jobs and we compromise.

Today my work entails endless meetings, most of which are inconclusive and need a follow up meeting. I land up making reams of powerpoint slides only to get them reviewed and to be rehashed. I thinking hard on excel tables which have lines of numbers and I am trying to make sense of them. I am in the company of leaders who are demanding solutions for complex problems all in a short period of time. As I reel through this over my laptop, I notice that I am slowly slouching and that’s giving me a strain around my neck and back. I am surrounded by team members who are constantly seeking referential support and approvals. I am surrounded by colleagues who want a quick brainstorm meet over lunch. I have the board members who dates of meeting come more rapidly staring at me. Oh, I must mention, the Board is flummoxed that whatever they throw at me, I take it with a smile- I had infact one of them come and share with me that I smile a lot, as if it is a sin in the hallways of teak panelled walls. I am calmer inspite of the deluge I have on my schedule and still make it to listen to my colleages and support them where they need. In all this, I have a spouse who has a career shift and wants to brainstorm his ideas with me, share his stories with me and just wants me to listen. I have a home which I want to make sure is always looking spic and span. I like cooking my own meals and that takes time. It really comes a 18 hour jog between 4:00 am to 10:00 pm and the energy continues where I can watch my favourite show- “Modern family” and read a book until I shut my eyes.

The beauty is these days, I am smile through all this. This is a huge surprise for me today. Something magical occurred in my life in 2018, something I did not invite and go after , but the magic entered into my realm. Right through childhood, I had a deep appreciation for spiritual learning. Early childhood, I used to frequent Ramani Maharshi centre in Bangalore to participate in Elocution contests. Much later I kept leaning into book to know more about this aspect of life. However I still could not comprehend and apply them well. It was just lingering about in my mind in some corner and never activated itself. Then I receive an email informing me about a program called “ Human is Not a Resource”, which was to be organized in Isha Yoga Centre in Coimbatore. Just the name of the program and the venue intrigued me and pulled me to participate in it. It just felt like life opened a huge doorway to me. One thing led to another and I found myself progressively learning Yoga and meditation. I learnt Shambhavi, Shakti Chalana Kriya , Yogasanas. I just kept going at these practices at home everyday. Without my own realization, I experienced a shift in me. The shift was predominantely the ease that I experience every day both physically and mentally. The breeziness I experience what makes me smile and laugh more. The focus that I have when I am relentlessly behind something and it still doesn’t cause me angst. These qualities are attracting more positivity around me and I just enjoy myself. I am enjoying my silent journeys of those few hours I preserve for myself.

Today these practices support me at my work as I work on the future of Leadership in an AI world, where I am working to define the new-age competencies, I am working with colleagues and listening to them hard and incorporating their thoughts into this project without holding back. There is a surreal energy that is encompassing me , I think the word is -Kavacch- that protects me every day and the child in me is back. I am facing the Board members, who continue to drive me hard, I do still come back home feeling sullen on some days, but when the day ends and a day break begins with my silence hour, I experience things just settling down to another beautiful opportunity in life.

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