Hello and welcome to another edition of The Weekly Vine.

This week, we are taking a break from regular programming and focusing instead on the thing the world cares about most: football.

The greatest philosophers, whether from the Occident or the Orient, have always batted for football as the true means of attaining nirvana. Swami Vivekananda said one could be nearer to heaven through football than through the study of the Gita, a quote that is as misquoted, misunderstood and misused as Karl Marx’s “opium of the masses”.

Similarly, Albert Camus was a football tragic till his death. He once argued that he had only two “universities”: football and the theatre. A week after he won the Nobel Prize, he was interviewed during a game between Racing Club de Paris and Monaco. When the goalkeeper made an error, Camus urged the interviewer to be kinder to the goalie.

You can still catch the black-and-white video on YouTube, which is where all great philosophy now goes to live.

And it is football that has been on my mind for the last 20 days as I race against time to write a daily column about the World Cup, a job that is as thrilling as it is nerve-racking because so much has happened in such a short span. Every day has brought goals, shocks, VAR philosophy, tactical sermons, commentator’s curses, national meltdowns and enough third-place qualification maths to make even a chartered accountant reach for holy water.

But dear reader, you might have a life. So here’s the 4-1-1 on what has happened in the World Cup so far: the contenders, the dark horses, the underdogs, the disappointments and the other talking points.

The Contenders

FRANCE

France have been truly terrifying to watch so far. This is a team of supreme attacking talent led by Dictator Mbappé, a popular football Twitter meme that has started to feel less like a joke and more like a tactical system. France have carved through opponents like Napoleon through Europe, though with better hamstrings and fewer horses.

Even Sweden, a nation with a proud footballing history, were brushed aside almost as an afterthought. Some people, including yours truly, have started wondering whether this is the most devastating attacking side in World Cup history. That may sound like recency bias after three late-night coffees, but France have the one thing every champion needs: the ability to look as if they are not trying too hard while destroying you.

Their real test may come against Spain in the semi-final, assuming both teams get there and football does not do what football usually does, which is take the most beautiful fixture on paper and replace it with Paraguay winning on penalties. But if France and Spain do meet, it will be a mouth-watering clash: imperial pace against philosophical passing, Mbappé’s dictatorship against the Church of Possession.

SPAIN

Speaking of Spain, they started slowly but look like a different beast whenever Lamine Yamal is on the pitch. The 18-year-old wunderkind often seems possessed by Johan Cruyff’s ghost, which is admittedly better than being possessed by the ghost of a Spanish striker from the 2010s who decided every shot must be a moral inquiry.

Yamal has already announced himself on the world stage with performances that make grown men start using phrases like “Total Football” in public. Spain still have their old habit of turning possession into theology. They can pass and pass and pass until the ball begins to wonder whether it is part of a social experiment. The question is whether they can add enough cruelty to the beauty.

If they do, they are serious contenders. If they do not, they risk becoming Columbus looking for India: lots of movement, immense confidence, questionable destination.

ARGENTINA

From one wunderkind to another, Lionel Messi is still playing with the gaiety of a far younger man. Winning the last World Cup appears to have freed his mind. He now plays with the kind of freedom that only comes with age, when all races have been run, all ghosts have been exorcised and time has taken away the burden of trying to find inner peace.

Messi is no longer merely playing football. He is extending the final scene of a film that has already had three perfect endings. Every match now feels like an epilogue that has somehow become the main story again. Argentina have tournament craft, defensive nous and, most importantly, the one man who can turn chaos into a through ball.

That makes them dangerous. Always.

BRAZIL

Brazil are also moving ominously. Carlo Ancelotti, their manager, is the master of getting teams over the line with a flick of his eyebrow. Other managers need animated touchline conferences, laminated tactical boards and dramatic team talks. Ancelotti simply raises an eyebrow and entire midfields remember their assignments.

Brazil were given a scare by Japan, which is hardly surprising because Japan are now a serious football nation rather than a sentimental subplot. But Brazil survived, and World Cups are often won by teams who survive one awkward night before remembering who they are.

Now they are on a collision course with Erling Haaland and Norway, which feels like the sort of fixture one would get after asking mythology to design a football match: samba versus thunder. Brazilian fans are already complaining that the team are not beautiful enough, but what really is joga bonito? Is it five stepovers and a goal, or is it winning ugly while your opponents wonder why the shirt still feels haunted?

ENGLAND

The perennial bridesmaids of World Cups have not won since 1966, a year English football mentions with the same frequency that uncles mention their college cricket scores. But their performances have improved in recent years and, in Harry Kane and Jude Bellingham, they have two of the most influential attackers in world football.

Kane is a different beast altogether after swapping Tottenham Hotspur for Bayern Munich and getting a taste of trophies, something that was as likely at Spurs as the current leader of the free world developing a moral compass. He now looks less like a tragic hero and more like a man who has finally discovered that football seasons are allowed to end with silverware.

Bellingham gives England swagger, drive and main-character energy. The squad has depth. The defence has options. The midfield has balance. The problem is never whether England have players. The problem is whether England can carry expectation without turning it into furniture.

Under Thomas Tuchel, there is also the faintly surreal spectacle of English football putting its faith in German emotional management. That alone makes them fascinating.

The Dark Horses

PORTUGAL

Portugal sit slightly oddly in this category because, on paper, they have enough talent to be contenders. Bruno Fernandes, Bernardo Silva, Rafael Leão, João Félix, Vitinha, Rúben Dias and Cristiano Ronaldo are some very talented names, but the problem is the last one. It’s genuinely disturbing for someone who grew up watching Ronaldo to see how he has become a has-been who is ruining his team’s chances. Now they face a resurgent Croatia, and if Portugal do manage to overcome them, it will likely be despite Ronaldo, who is moving with the alacrity of a tortoise on coal.

MOROCCO

Last World Cup’s semi-finalists played out one of the most Stormtrooper-like penalty shootouts with the Netherlands, but did manage to knock them out eventually with a little help from the left post. They are disciplined, they are sharp, and they allow writers to make endless Casablanca references too.

NORWAY

On paper, Norway have one game plan: get the ball to Ødegaard, who will get it to Erling Haaland. But that’s a bit of a simplification. This is a genuinely talented team who could end up giving Brazil a mighty test, and that’s not just a metaphor because Haaland not only looks like a Targaryen but is also roughly the size of Balerion the Black Dread.

MEXICO

The co-hosts have beaten their curse and won their fifth game, and they have not conceded a goal yet. But their fans still boo them from time to time, such is the burden of expectation.

USA

After years of mocking soccer and thinking it was the preserve of suburban mums who drove SUVs, the post-Ted Lasso USA has embraced soccer, and both Infantino and Trump would love to see America lift the World Cup. Unfortunately, the rest of the world will probably find it unbearable because football was the one thing that was not marred by American exceptionalism.

The Under Dogs

CAPE VERDE

What can one even say about Cape Verde, a team whose World Cup story began with a squad cobbled together on LinkedIn? Now they face Argentina, and no one expects them to win. But if they do manage it, it will go down in history as the greatest World Cup upset of all time.

CANADA

In popular culture, Canada is often seen as a country that is quite nice, but that’s only till they get down to any sport, where they suddenly discover their competitive spirit. But Morocco are a tough team to beat, and it will be a rather difficult ask to overcome last World Cup’s runners-up.

DR CONGO

DR Congo are exactly the kind of team England do not want hanging around after 70 minutes. Complete with their standing talisman, they could really put a spanner in the works for England. Now, on paper, England should beat them, but then again, on paper, England should have won the last seven World Cups. One thing’s for sure: the entire world will be rooting for Congo when they face the Three Lions.

BOSNIA AND HERZEGOVINA

There’s a joke in Washington circles that after L’affaire Lewinsky, Hillary refused to talk to Bill Clinton till NATO started bombing Sarajevo. Apparently, only martial action can give marital respite. The bombings were described as war crimes by Amnesty International, and it will be doubly delicious if the nation that bore the brunt of American exceptionalism knocks them out before their semiquincentennial party on July 4.

The Disappointments

GERMANY

Gary Lineker once said: “Football is a simple game. Twenty-two men chase a ball and at the end, the Germans win.” But that’s a quote that needs an update because Germany have been awful for quite a while. Das Reboot has stuttered, and the Germans made history recently when they finally lost a penalty shootout in a World Cup, that too against Paraguay.

URUGUAY

For casual football fans, Uruguay are Luis Suarez’s teeth. For more hardcore ones, they are Marcelo Bielsa’s fiefdom. Bielsa, for the uninitiated, is an eccentric football manager nicknamed El Loco, who also just happens to be one of Pep Guardiola’s inspirations. Unlike Guardiola, Bielsa has always put more weight on playing the game properly than winning, which probably explains why the two-time World Cup winners are already out in the group stage.

NETHERLANDS

There’s no shame in losing a penalty shootout to Morocco, but the Netherlands have been awful in this tournament, right down to the shootout, where they missed three penalties in a row and gave the Stormtroopers a run for their money. Somewhere in heaven, Johan Cruyff is quietly trying to hide from Pelé.

END OF ARTICLE