If your passport doesn’t prove you’re Indian, voluntarily offer these simple tests instead. These will do the job. 

Standing Test | When landing abroad, jump up before the aircraft stops, climb over co-passengers, open the overhead bin, pull out the muffler, and throw it across three rows to your coughing child. Unmistakably Indian, you are.

Driving Test | When interrogated at Heathrow Airport, insist on a vehicle, and make the immigration officer sit alongside. Before he’s fastened his seat belt, start driving. Overtake other cars with rude honks, jump red lights, yank out your phone, and greet Mummy-ji back home. With one hand on the wheel, use the other to glug that miniature whisky you nipped from the flight. Flouting all rules proves that you are undoubtedly desi.

Saliva Test | If you’re stopped by a Bobby, open your mouth and spit out a semi-solid chunk of white phlegm that lands close to his shiny shoes. Clear your throat loudly, spout the popular adjectives that recall mothers and sisters. Again, Indian without disbelief.  

Jumping Test | Europeans love queues, we don’t. Regardless of the length of a line, shove your way through. Tell them that you – like all impatient Indians – are always in a hurry. If there are protests, utter those magic words: Jaanta hai mera baap kaun hai? For further queries, flaunt his name on your passport – it is, surely, proof of parentage.

Voice Test | We Indians also believe Jo tera hai woh mera hai. Peer into the mobile of the person next to you, let him smell your breakfast as you burp into his ears. Watch a movie on your mobile without earphones. To answer questions on nationality, always raise your voice.

Finger Test | If you’re asked for your passport, first dig your right index finger into your hairy nostril, examine the sticky object that emerges, and flick it onto the person behind. Then take your left little finger and worm it into your equally hairy ear. Dig around, pull out some brown wax. Never wipe it off. Instead, pull out your Indian passport, hold it with both hands, proffer it politely to the officer who dared ask for it. No way will they touch it.

Forget the passport. Be Indian, always.

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